01 Nov 07 Thursday
Some New Pictures
Current mood: pleased
Category: Music
My time is not my own this evening, but I was able to find a few quiet moments to get some new pictures up from the Ian Hunter tour. Go look at my “October in the UK” photo album.
–Mary
Currently listening:
Glitter in the Gutter
By Jesse Malin
Release date: 20 March, 2007
02 Nov 07 Friday
More Pictures
Current mood: cold
Category: Music
All right. Here are photos from Glasgow and Newcastle, as well as the pilgrimage we made to Hull to pay our respects at Mick Ronson’s grave. I had to put these up on Photobucket because too many of my friends can’t access MySpace on their work computers.
Tour Photos – Glasgow & Newcastle
I’m still in London. If anyone is going to see Jesse Malin on Tuesday, let me know, please. I want to go see him, but I’m not very keen on going on my own.
–Mary
Currently listening:
Heaven and Hull
By Mick Ronson
Release date: 03 May, 1994
http://s225.photobucket.com/albums/dd208/marydrews/Ian%20Hunter%20-%20Liverpool/
Liverpool pictures
Photobucket Album
06 Nov 07 Tuesday
Viral Limbo & Other Things
Current mood:just waking up
I just noticed that the time on my blog posts is still US time. It’s really 8:36, not 3:36.
That’s not the point.
This cold thing is annoying. It’s neither advancing nor retreating; it’s lingering, hovering like a swarm of gnats. Every day is an adventure in health. Will the sneezing overwhelm me? No. Will a cough emerge? Not really. But I feel less than good and not quite bad. Viral limbo. Better than having a chest full of phlegm and hopelessly runny nose.
After all my “subtle hints” about finding someone to go to see Jesse Malin with me tonight, my friend reminded me that I had already agreed to look after her daughter after school today. My friend often doesn’t get home from work until 7 or 8 PM, which means that I wouldn’t be able to go the gig anyway. It’s all right. I’ve made plans with a friend back in the States to go see him in NYC at the Bowery Ballroom. I’m really looking forward to it.
What else is new? Personal problems arise and vanish like ghosts. Sometimes they arise like earthquakes. There’s nothing I can do about them. Just let them run their course. Which philosopher was it who said we don’t solve our problems, we merely outlive them?
Off for another cup of coffee while I watch the clear blue sky over London. It’s cool and crisp outside, but the sun makes it all worthwhile.
–Mary
09 Nov 07 Friday
It’s Winning Now
Current mood: sick
You know MySpace is for kids when they don’t have a “bitching about health” category for blog posts.
That Viral Limbo from the other day is becoming Viral Hell. Because I’m invincible, I didn’t bring any prednisone (that’s a steroid) over here to the UK with me. Now my lungs are filling up with fluid because of this godless cold and I’m low on my asthma inhaler.
Enter Panic.
Well, maybe not yet. I’ve found this horrible cough medicine that has no alcohol in it (not an easy feat over here; unlike the US, the UK hasn’t gone all nanny-state about alcohol in cough syrup). The pharmacist had to call the manufacturer to make sure there was no alcohol. I’m hoping this stuff helps me. If not, there’s always Michael’s remedy: the juice of half a lemon and one whole orange with honey and hot water. I’ve also got my super-duper multi-vitamins, which I’ve slacked off taking, but I will resume after breakfast today.
And gallons of water.
I’ll keep you updated. I know you’re all on the edge of your seats with breath bated awaiting the outcome of my chest cold. Will I end up being a charge on the parish? Or will I survive?
Stay tuned.
–Mary
12 Nov 07 Monday
Back to NY / Back to Reality
Current mood: okay
Category: Travel and Places
“Now it’s time…
“To say good-bye…
“To all our company…”
My flight takes off at 4 PM from Heathrow. I’m going home. The weather gods have given me a sunny day. Well, a sunny morning anyway. As this is London, it’s anyone’s guess what the weather will be like when I actually leave the house or when I reach Heathrow.
The cold that was holding me hostage has now abated. I’m packed. I’ve done a lot of the things I was going to do.
But I’m sad to be leaving. There’s a distance between me and real life when I’m here, even though I’m still doing the daily Internet stuff and paying my bills online. There’s something peaceful here that I can’t seem to find at home. Maybe it’s a false peace. But it feels real enough.
I’m going back to the rush and madness of the Holidays. Thanksgiving, then Christmas on its heels. Then the cold abyss of January and February. I live for the return of the longer days. These short, cold things are hardly like living at all. I suppose I’m aptly nicknamed “Bear” — winter is for my hibernation.
It’s about to begin.
–Mary
Currently reading:
500 Things My Ferret Told Me
By Mary R. Shefferman
Release date: 01 September, 2002
14 Nov 07 Wednesday
Jet Lagging
Current mood: awake
Category: Travel and Places
Now the time on my posts is correct. It’s 5:50 in the morning and I’m wide awake. I’m still on UK time. I’m hoping to stop being on it someday soon.
Yesterday was a catching up day, as today will be. I’m already working on some photos from the Ian Hunter tour. I’m up to Bilston. That’s about half-way through the tour.
Meanwhile, I have to ship things out to people. Oh, and I forgot to put up stuff for Ebay. Again.
The problem with going away is coming home to a pile of things that need to be done.
And jet lag.
–Mary
Currently listening:
The Fine Art of Self Destruction
By Jesse Malin
Release date: 28 January, 2003
14 Nov 07 Wednesday
Streaming …
Current mood: sad
Category: Writing and Poetry
I think it’s the winter closing in, draining the color from everything I see.
It feels dim and dark. The heat’s a cold comfort, despite the chill it chases. All reminders. All the darkening day: the shadows.
I know what it is. It’s the shorter days. It’s the sadness that comes and goes. And comes back again. The gray. Dulled colors. Cloud cover.
Artificial light against the early night.
Yes.
That’s what it is.
Ghosts slipping in and out of my consciousness. All they want is to be acknowledged. That’s all they ever want. Which is really all right, because that’s all I can give them.
–Mary
15 Nov 07 Thursday
Pink Hair
Current mood: creative
Category: Fashion, Style, Shopping
I’ve changed my default picture because the pink-haired one was misleading. Besides, I like this picture of Ian Hunter and me. I also like the one of Jesse Malin and me. And the one of Mick Ralphs and me. And the one of Frankie Miller and me. And … you get the idea, don’t you?
Today I feel less sad. Maybe even not sad at all. But it’s early in the day and dusk hasn’t yet come crashing into daylight.
What else? Nothing, really. I have a lot of work to do and I’m going to get it all done.
Yeah. Right.
–Mary
PS – It’s my niece Sarah’s birthday today. She’s 17, which is strange because I’m only 21. –M
Currently watching:
Tears of the Sun/Basic
Release date: 24 August, 2004
16 Nov 07 Friday
Off …
Current mood: excited
Category: Travel and Places
OK. Not so much about travel. But I am going up to CT for an ALS fundraiser. I’ll be back tomorrow morning so I can go see Jesse Malin tomorrow night. Very much looking forward to that.
This morning I banged my head into my wardrobe door. I’d feel just plain silly about it, but it hurts. I’m sure I’ll recover, but a little sympathy wouldn’t go amiss.
Yesterday I got my ‘flu shot; today my left arm is achy. This always happens. But I haven’t had the ‘flu in years. My doc also gave me a referral so I can get my bunions fixed. At some point soon I’ll have a broken foot. On purpose. I’m looking forward to maybe alleviating the numbness that creeps into my feet from time to time.
Aging sucks. But I refuse to give in to it.
Now I’m off. Really.
–Mary
Currently listening:
Glitter in the Gutter
By Jesse Malin
Release date: 20 March, 2007
18 Nov 07 Sunday
Sleeping in the Daytime
Category: Music
Last night Susan and I went to see Jesse Malin in NYC. I expected to enjoy the gig, and I did. Not a surprise.
What was a surprise was being invited to join the band for drinks after the gig. I was very happy to have a chance to chat with Jesse. He’s a sweet and very likable person. It is always especially satisfying to be able to tell someone how his music affects you, and know that he’s actually gotten the message (none of this fan letters sent off to the black hole of the North Pole business). And, let’s face it, anyone who likes Ian Hunter can’t be all bad.
However, the upshot of this little soiree was arriving at home at 5:30 in the morning. Then waking up at about 8:30 buzzing and unable to go back to sleep. I did a fine impression of a zombie for the early part of the day, despite three cups of strong coffee. I gave up at about 3 PM and slept a few hours. Now I’m groggy and useless.
So I figured I’d write some stuff on MySpace.
Here it is.
With any luck (careful planning? mega doses of B-12? west-coast turnarounds?), I’ll get to go down to the Stone Pony on Wednesday to see Jesse again. I’d really like to go, but I’m not sure I can weather the five hours of driving. I’m not the girl I used to be (and no one’s more grateful for that than I am).
–Mary
PS – Another nice photo:
Thanks, Jesse.
Currently reading:
Deadly Decisions
By Kathy Reichs
Release date: 26 June, 2001
19 Nov 07 Monday
Looking Through My Journal
Current mood: frustrated
Category: Writing and Poetry
I should be working. I was working. But CafePress has made me too numb to go on any longer. So I’m looking through this journal that I’ve been working on for way too long (start date: February 8, 2005). I’m looking for anything worthwhile. When I try to get myself jump-started with writing, I do that “close your eyes and pick a word out of the dictionary” thing. Then I see where the word takes me.
But this wasn’t written that way.
Obsessed
It’s innocent
when it starts.
A hint, a whisper,
a flash of a
daydream.
But it conquers,
evolves from subtle
to strong
while the world’s
asleep.
While you’re looking
the other way.
Finally, it strangles –
suffocates –
lives in lungs
and blood –
Screaming.
(April 27, 2005)
_____________________________________________
Here’s something weird. It appears the word was “Trade”:
Trade
Sex for touch
words for whispers
dignity for anything
less.
Lonliness is a safe place,
letting in nothing
letting out nothing –
Only you.
Does it hurt to breathe?
To know you’re alive
for seconds at a time
while your pulse jumps
and you’re full
of someone else’s impulses?
But the rigidity returns
you to stone
in the afterglow.
(May 16, 2005)
_____________________________________________
The rest of it is useless confession. Pathetic.
Where have I been?
–Mary
Currently listening:
The Heat
By Jesse Malin
Release date: 29 June, 2004
20 Nov 07 Tuesday
Busy
Current mood: optimistic
Category: Jobs, Work, Careers
I’ve been updating a lot of things in one of my Cafepress shops. It’s tedious and makes me want to scream. But it has to be done.
But today wasn’t only about making money. No! I spent some, too. I did a Jiffy Lube run and had my oil changed, my radiator topped up, and new windshield wipers. Being responsible isn’t cheap. But I’d rather do all this today than have some sort of breakdown on my way down to Asbury Park tomorrow. Or worse, on my way back.
So I’m definitely going to see Jesse Malin again tomorrow night. I’ve even put gasoline in the car. That’s commitment.
–Mary
Currently listening:
London Calling
By The Clash
Release date: 25 January, 2000
24 Nov 07 Saturday
Lucky
Current mood: relaxed
Category: Automotive
Last I wrote I was being responsible, getting my oil changed and all that so I could safely drive to and from Asbury Park to see Jesse Malin at the Stone Pony (excellent gig, btw).
On Thanksgiving I drove out to Cutchogue to my brother’s place out there. That takes a bit more than an hour. The following morning I drove up to the 7-11 to get real coffee (I’d stayed at The Parents’ house in Cutchogue and they have only half-caff). I thought it was strange that my car wasn’t putting out heat. It’s usually very good with that. When I got to the store, I noticed that my engine temperature was very high. Much too high for such a short drive.
Crap. I knew Jiffy Lube had topped-up my coolant (they tried to get me to do a radiator flush, but I declined). What could they have done wrong?
Well, I had to look up in the manual what the coolant level should be in the reservoir. When I did, I couldn’t help but notice a big blue box that warned: Be sure the arrow on the radiator cap lines up with the intake hose. Failure to do so will cause leakage.
Pop the hood. Look at the radiator cap. What do you know? The arrow is not lined up with the hose. The reservoir is dry as desert bones. $&@!! Jiffy Lube!
So I called The Parents, even though I knew my dad was out on the boat. I asked Marilee to come down to make sure I got the car back to the house all right. She was going to bring water.
Meanwhile, a nice man asked if everything was all right. I explained my situation. He took off the radiator cap and put it back on properly, then said I should get a gallon of anti-freeze from the 7-11, pour it into the reservoir and then I’d be fine getting home.
So I did. But I didn’t put enough of the coolant into the car. Still, I made it home without the temperature getting too high. To my credit, I never pushed the car to overheat.
Problem solved.
Or was it?
This morning I went outside and saw a little puddle under my car. It wasn’t much and it was under where the reservoir is, so I figured it was just some excess coming out (don’t laugh! I don’t know how these things work!). But I told my dad and he came out to look.
The coolant was very low. He added the rest of the gallon I’d bought yesterday and some of the stuff he had. It was dribbling out the bottom. So Jiffy Lube wasn’t the culprit. But they still didn’t put the cap on right. My dad thinks it might be the water pump. I have an appointment with Volkswagen Mike on December third (he’s on vacation this next week). I’ve been assured that I can take the car for short trips as necessary so long as I continue to check and top-up the coolant.
Which brings me to the luck. Considering that this problem has likely been brewing for a little while (which is probably why my coolant was low when Jiffy Lube checked it), I think I am damned lucky that my car didn’t overheat and breakdown on the Garden State Parkway on the way home from Asbury Park the other night.
There’s always something for which to be thankful, isn’t there?
–Mary
Currently listening:
Jesus of Cool
By Nick Lowe
Release date: 24 May, 1995
26 Nov 07 Monday
Back to Basics
Current mood:strong
Category: Sports
This morning I woke up stiff and achy with what felt very much like a hatchet stuck in my back between my shoulder blades.
That means only one thing: Get off your ass and start lifting weights again.
So I just did. Everything feels like gelatin and I’m flying on endorphins.
Shall I explain? Do you even care? I was diagnosed a couple of years ago with fibromyalgia. My brother Mike says that’s a catch-all diagnosis and isn’t real; my brother Mark says Mike’s not a real doctor (he’s a reproductive endocrinologist, AKA fertility doctor — Mark’s an internist) and I shouldn’t listen to him. Either way, I’m not one to let a diagnosis define my existence. As long as I remain active, the worst I get is morning stiffness (yeah, I know, some of you guys have the same condition ). I take amitriptyline every night (a token dosage, really). Everything’s under control.
But every once in a while, it hits me. Then I know I need to step up the exercise. Not that I should ever be slacking off on weight lifting, but it happens. It’s good for everything that ails me. Seriously. Good for fibromyalgia, asthma, depression, and to fight the effects of aging. Some claim that any exercise is good for these things, but I’ve found that pumping iron is the best “bang for the buck” (sorry about that trite bit). Better than aerobic exercise. I think getting all the muscle fibers firing and really working does more for me. Your results may differ.
I’m sure I’ll be hurting tomorrow. But in a good way.
While I was working out I listened to Diamond Dogs Up the Rock and Ian Hunter YNAWAS. Just in case you were wondering.
–Mary
Currently listening:
You’re Never Alone With a Schizophrenic
By Ian Hunter
Release date: 18 May, 1993
26 Nov 07 Monday
More New Pics Up On Photobucket
Current mood: giggly
Category: Music
I’ve just put up a bunch of photos from the Ian Hunter Southampton gig:
http://s225.photobucket.com/albums/dd208/marydrews/Southampton%20-%20Ian%20Hunter/
Some IH, some Jesse Malin, and some Stonehenge.
–M
27 Nov 07 Tuesday
Sh@t! Sh&t! Sh%t!
Current mood:better
Category: Web, HTML, Tech
ALL my product links on my FerretNews website are BROKEN!! I don’t know when this happened or how it happened. They all lead to error pages on ferret.com. I am stunned and furious! Now I get to spend the next week fixing all the broken links and hoping this never happens again.
This is my income! $%&*@!!!!
–Mary
Post Script:
All right. I’ve calmed down. I’ve fixed a lot of the links already. But we are talking about hundreds. So it’ll be a while before the site is fully working again. I’m glad I discovered it now rather than two weeks from now. The Holidays are always the best time to make $ in any sort of retail business. If your website is “shooting blanks” (so to speak), you’re screwed. But I still have several other sites I need to make “Holiday-ready,” so I’ve lost some time by having to fix all these links.
I’m now relaxing with a giant glass of water, looking forward to a nice long chat with my sister after she puts the nephews and niece to bed at 8 PM. I’ll get to tell her all about my adventures in the UK … and she’ll get to grill me about my love life (because I might have one someday ). –M
Currently listening:
The Hoople
By Mott the Hoople
Release date: 27 March, 2006
29 Nov 07 Thursday
Moody
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Music
Nothing to do with the Moody Blues, so if you were thinking that’s what it’s about, you’re wrong.
It’s another halfway down mood thing. I’ve been doing a lot of crap on the Internet, fixing websites. It’s damned tedious. Then I got into an online discussion about the Saudi Arabian woman who was gang raped and has been sentenced to 6 months in prison and 200 lashes. I won’t get into it, but it upset me. Made me angry and defensive. I was told I was “hostile.”
Then I went and listened to some sad songs. Not the best choice, I’ll admit. I guess I didn’t really think about whether the songs were happy or sad when I clicked “play.” Not all sad, but a lot of lost love, which wouldn’t be bad if it was mundane sad-song pap, but it’s not. It’s well written and poignant. It hurts. So I’ve been thinking about how lost I feel sometimes, letting go of my marriage, seeing my romantic life as a dark and cold abyss (mostly when it’s late at night; you know how that is).
But I finally finished that journal I mentioned the other day. I figure tomorrow will be better. It usually is.
–Mary
PS – I just put up a couple of family pics in a new album.
Currently listening:
The Heat
By Jesse Malin
Release date: 29 June, 2004
30 Nov 07 Friday
My God… What I just found …
Current mood: shocked
Category: Writing and Poetry
I’m sad. I have no idea how to deal with a person who is dear to me, but is difficult for me. He’s sad. He’s feeling trapped.
So I reached for something of myself. I started looking through some computer files in my “Poetry” folder. I found these from 1991 and 1992. Now I want to cry because I’d forgotten how to believe in what has always been pure in me.
…
July 1, 1991
To the woman I once –
but not exactly — knew:
Turn away, cover your eyes,
but I know it’s you.
Your secret safe as the bet
we’ll all die, eventually –
I keep the recognition
to myself.
What frightens? Our common
thread? A man we’d both
rather adore than despise –
though either fits like gears?
We were cordial for him
and now you make subtle
revisions — a hand covers
your eyes or
you face the wall.
No, no. Propriety commands
I walk by, allow you
your illusory hiding place –
a puppy, nose
under a chair, tail obvious
as acne.
I would not disturb this
mimicry, your rude mime.
Each time I glimpse
this tragic act, catharsis
moves me one step
closer to the precipice
of ending.
And I begin to believe
we will not meet — claws
retracted, but ready –
again. And I begin
to believe I’ve lost –
but you have not won.
I confess my own avoidance –
I’ve hidden, too like you,
the relief of passing sighs comfortably.
Unlike you — perhaps? –
these small dances remind me
of how empty empty is –
and each shut-eyed twirl,
intense as knives, tactful
as gossip, cuts at me
until I bleed from this wound,
this gape, my eyes.
…
June 11, 1991
My life is on bits
of paper, strewn
through the rooms
I haunt. Each scrap
vies for the attention
I cannot spare.
“Talk among yourselves,”
I say, “but quietly.”
One of these days,
fire will transform
my crowded, noisy life
to ashes.
And I will start
all over again.
…
6/24/91
The smell of stale cigarettes
doesn’t quite sting — it’s a memory
of pain, after the pain is gone.
I know better — we buried mom,
are watching Gramma’s chest become solid
with tumor — a living petrification — in x-rays.
Adolescence lingers
like the smoke smell –
I’m immortal
as time and memory.
As long as I believe that
my own death will wait
until I’m finished here.
…
July 30, 1991
A line — invisible
as monofilament –
separates with fear
of severed limbs, slashed hearts;
opens an abyss
deep as God’s soul.
I can hear your voice
days later
in average conversation –
see the contortion of rapture
in your expression –
skin reacts to memories
of flesh now at a distance–
and my heart
does the adrenaline dance
when I let your
“I love you”s echo.
But the razor-line
keeps me here.
I could wake up
any morning
next to you
and never have to
close my eyes again.
…
September 1, 1991
Already?
the fall chill is here,
on the bay –
it runs through empty rooms
like a child playing afraid.
Foreboding fall.
This cool reminds, resurrects
the child and school.
School. Schoolbag, pencil box,
the odor of rubber erasers,
neat clothes, new teacher.
School. Angry playground.
Unfriendly halls.
The tiny furniture of memory.
Every year the same –
more anxiety boiling,
a rancid stew, still.
…
October 28, 1991
(for J.)
How will you feel
when you become obsolete?
When your brush strokes
are mimicked
and your voice
forgotten –
When your fingers and eyes
touch nothing
touch no one?
How will you feel
when the distance
you’ve plotted
becomes a desert,
too vast for crossing?
…
March 5, 1992
A moment from time
the heart jerks to a stop
breath holds and
gravity mistakes the soul
for dead
the soul rises in a scream
[caught] in amber
like a bug [on display]
schoolboys showing unsuspecting
schoolgirls whose faces
contort like their mothers’
faces when they see
the soul rising, frozen.
Later there are funerals,
weddings or other such ceremonies.
And gravity remembers itself
like a well-behaved child
who learns his manners
and ignores the uncouth
It pulls the body down
or whatever is proper
under the circumstances.
…
And so I have to ask: Where have I been?
–Mary
Currently listening:
Trust
By Elvis Costello & the Attractions
Release date: 09 September, 2003